After finally reaching Kazakhstan and having visited two orphanages, it was a good time to review our thoughts and feelings. We have learned a lot, good and bad, as we have progressed from just possibly considering being a foster parent or maybe adopting a young child to finally being overseas and adopting two older children ages 10 and 12.
The question, "Why would you adopt overseas if there are so many children in the U.S. who need families?" is a very personal, political, and sometimes racial question. It was also one of the first questions our social worker asked us at the beginning of our Home Study process. We spent a lot of time discussing that question and gathering our thoughts before deciding. Initially, we were looking toward a domestic adoption, but weren't sure. Since the core of our application materials would be the same either way, we bagan pulling together with all of the materials we would need one way or the other. We're glad we did. Since beginning the adoption process in April 2006 our thoughts have continued to evolve and we ultimately chose Kazakhstan as the country we planned to adopt from.
During that time, the case of Anna Mae He was big news in Memphis. So was the school that Oprah Winfrey opened in Africa. There were also several TV shows about families who had adopted domestically or internationally. There probably weren't any more shows than usual, but since we were "in the process," we noticed and watched every one while we weighed all the options.
We are also fortunate that the topic came up early in our Home Study process. Anne, our social worker, and her husband had adopted a little girl from Korea several years ago. She has also done many pre/post placement studies for both domestic and international adoptions, so she was well qualified to discuss details and to help us consider the ins and outs of both pursuits. We have also had the good fortune of "bumping" into other people who have adopted. Lastly, we had an unexpected opportunity to discuss this topic at length with a couple from church who had adopted domestically. Anne gave us a "homework assignment" at the conclusion of our second or third session: look at ourselves and our family 10-15 years from now rather than during or immediately following the adoption process.
We did not initially focus on international adoption, but were led in that direction as we became more serious about "doing this," more knowledgable in what would be necessary for us to complete the adoption, and more knowledgeable in the risks and issues we will face in the next few years. It was not an easy decision and we did have to spend quite a bit of time discussing our options before setting our course. The tipping point for us was the He case which took place in Memphis Nov 2006 - Jan 2007. A family had provided long term foster care for a child for almost 8 years when the child's parents returned and petitioned to regain custody. Since their parental rights had never been terminated and the foster family had not filed anything on behalf of the child, the courts ordered that the child be returned to the parents eventhough the child was too young to remember the parents when she was placed in foster care.
We also had to consider the challenges we will face leading up to the adoption and for the years to come. Here was what we came up with.
1. American legal system and the rights of adoptive parents.
Although we have seen many successful adoption stories here in America, we also know the sytem presents significant challenges for adoptive parents. The Foster Care system often passes along children and siblings are divided. It is not a completely bad system and there are many very good foster parents who open their homes and hearts to take in children in emergency situations. Unfortunately, parental and extended family rights are not fully terminated, which makes domestic adoption a very lengthly and expensive process.
2. The ability to give our children a life and oppurtunities they would otherwise not have had.
This part is much easier to explain. Kazakhstan is a great and growing nation with many things good in its future, but the U.S affords teh opportunity for a great education and many opportunities that they would not have otherwise. The same is true for both international and domestic adoptions.
3. Starting with a completely clean slate.
In the case of our children, their early lives included exposure to abuse, neglect and alcoholism. We have a chance to start anew, without having to worry about the where abouts and ideas of their biological parents or that they will show up on our doorstep. There will be many questions as our children grow up, especially since they ae older and have many years of memories of their experiences. We want them to know that we are fully and completely their new family. Forever.
4. The journey and travel to them will be an exciting adventure for us.
This adoption, especially since it's international, won't be just a walk in the park. We both had to put in a lot of preparatory work to prepare for the foreign environment. The challenges associated with our preparation and our experiences while in Kazakhstan actually helped prepare us to better understand what they will be going through in the coming years as they learn a new culture and language. Bringing the kids home is the easy part. We are going to have many challenges in the coming years which will also grow us.
5. Because we knew it was right in our hearts for our family.
Every family knows what is right for them in their hearts. Every familiy has their own needs, expections, wants and desires. Every one is different and everyone has a differnt reason. Whatever reasons they are, someone will have a comment or concerns for that. Someone may try to make it political... try to make it wrong....try to find something wrong with it. But you as a person or family, will know what is right and what you believe. The only problems with that is trusting it! That was hard for us... but it was right.
Regardless of where the children come from, we willingly accept the obligation of providing for their needs and for providing a good home in which they can grow into productive adults and citizens of the world.
